Transcript
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Hello and welcome to another episode of a
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World of Difference, the podcast where we
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explore diverse perspectives that shape
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our world and the actions we can take to
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make it a better place together. I'm your
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host, Lori Adams Brown, coming to you from
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Los Angeles, California today, where I
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tagged along with my husband who's
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presenting at a conference here this
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weekend. And I'm reminded of the fact that
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as I'm downtown here in LA and looking at
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these skyscrapers behind me from my high
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rose hotel, not far from where I'm going
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to be staying very soon when I come to
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podcast movement evolutions that I could
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potentially run into some of you listeners
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there, and actually a couple of listeners
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have already reached out to me who live in
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the LA area, and we're going to have
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coffee during the conference. But I know
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that other ones of you are going to be
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showing up there both as listeners and
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podcasters yourself, and would love to
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connect with you. So I'm going to be doing
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a presentation on five ways to grow your
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podcast globally and would love for you to
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show up to my presentation. But if you're
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presenting at the same time and can't be
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there, or you're going to another
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presentation, maybe just message me on the
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app and we can sit together during the
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keynote while we listen to Amy Poehler
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speak. It's going to be so much fun. So
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for those of you listening around the
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world today, wherever you're listening, I
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know that many of you are doing just such
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incredible work. And today we're going to
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unpack a very important aspect of what it
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means to have influence on others, what it
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means to be a change maker. And one of the
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key components I speak about globally as I
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go around conducting leadership summits.
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The same thing that I've been training on
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recently. When I was training in Taipei
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recently in the UK, not long ago, here in
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the Silicon Valley, and other places where
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I've trained here in the US. One of the
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things I love to train on, because it's
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been so helpful for me, is this area of
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communication skills about listening to
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understand. So what I'm talking about is
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that we're diving in today to a topic
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that's both simple and profound. The power
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of listening. But not just any listening.
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Listening to understand is something we
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all do. We listen. At least we think we
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do. But today we might find some
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surprising things. If you're anything like
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me, when we learned that, we thought we
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were a good listener, which is me full
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confession. Until I realized that actually
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there's some parts of listening that I
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wasn't doing very well. So now I'm
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practicing them myself. But I want to ask
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you this question. How often do we truly
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listen with the intention to understand
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rather than what we all often do? Or at
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least a lot of us extroverts out there in
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the world, is listening for how we will
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respond as we're listening, or we don't
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often wait for our turn to speak. It
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happens a lot, doesn't it? And in our
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world, we're bombarded with information,
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opinions, distractions. Listening seems to
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have really taken a backseat. But what if
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I told you that listening to understand is
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not just a kind and nice thing to do,
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which I hope that you are a kind person,
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an empathetic person, and as a leader,
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that you're listening with empathy to the
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things that you're hearing all around the
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world, many of which is heartbreaking,
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traumatic, exhausting. We hear a lot of
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things from people, but what I hope is
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that as you listen, you learn that it's
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not just a kindness, but it's actually a
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superpower for you as a leader, as someone
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with influence. And when I say leader, I
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do mean someone with influence, whether
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you have direct reports or not, for
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someone who's forging a path anywhere in
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the world to do something different, to
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make change, many of you are such
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influencers wherever you are, and you have
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the potential to transform your
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relationships with what we're going to
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talk about today. Listening to understand,
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it actually helps with our communities and
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how we interact with them and even our
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world at large. So as somebody who has
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traversed the globe both as an expat and
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for work, but also as a child growing up
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in various cultures, I've really come to
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appreciate the value and the hard work of
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listening to understand. So I've learned
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to speak six languages because of my time
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growing up abroad and then living and
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working in multiple countries, and I
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didn't learn any of those without
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listening to understand. But it's not just
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key in language learning, it's key in
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leadership development, too. So it's a
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skill that requires us to go beyond simply
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just hearing words, but listening for
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facts, feelings, and values. I'm going to
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say that again because a lot of us don't
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know that when we listen to understand,
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we're listening for facts, feelings and
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values. If you're anything like me, that
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was news to me when I first heard it. All
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of us have a dominant style, so you are
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going to fall in a comfort zone in one of
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those three areas. Think about what you've
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just heard me say thus far, does it fall
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in the category of facts or feelings or
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values? Values are those concepts that
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guide our lives. Why someone made that
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career move, why someone moved from
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Indonesia to Singapore, it's hard to
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listen for all three of those. But also
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we're not going to ask you to do that all
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at once because it does require a great
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deal of skill to do that. And we're going
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to kind of take it in chunks. Like all of
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my language coaches have taught me, use
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what you know every day and then add plus
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one. So today I hope you add plus one and
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by the end of a month you have plus 30.
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We're going to take it a little bit at a
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time. So when we think about listening to
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understand, it really means paying
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attention and our world filled with
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distractions. That's hard to do because
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not only do we have a lot of distractions,
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like today when I walked here, downtown
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LA, where there's, I think, a big game
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going on, there's digital signs that are
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changing. There's smells of all this
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delicious cuisine here in downtown LA,
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there's music coming from the Grammy
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museum. There's just so much stimuli. And
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in order to survive, we have to filter
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that information because we have thousands
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of stimuli coming at us every day. But our
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brains are these story making machines and
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so we have filters that are as unique as
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our fingerprint. And even though I have
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twins that I'm raising, they were born six
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minutes apart, same family, same
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countries, same languages. They've been
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exposed to cultures. They have very
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different filters because of their
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personalities, their own experiences, of
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their own lived experience, right? So
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that's good and normal, but it means that
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we can create bias because of our filters.
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So we have to check our assumptions when
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we're listening to understand because we
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may assume someone is just like us and
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they're not. Everybody's unique. And
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that's the beauty of our podcast here,
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isn't it? We're all different and we're
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bringing our differences around the table
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because guess what? When we hear each
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other and truly listen to understand, with
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our differences, we make better decisions,
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we make greater impact on all the things
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we're trying to make better in the world.
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So I'm giving you this skill today because
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I know as people who are making these
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changes and working so hard to forge new
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paths, this is a skill that's a superpower
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that's going to help you. When we listen
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to understand, it means empathizing, it
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means suspending judgment. And suspending
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judgment, man, that's a hard one because
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we don't have good models for it in our
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society. In fact, we have some pretty bad
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ones. Suspending judgment requires us to.
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When we listen to a person talk about the
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way they live this human life, that's very
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different than the way we live it. It
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means that we don't judge them, that we
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push those judgment thoughts and feelings
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aside to truly understand what they're
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trying to tell us. And when we do that, we
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get the opportunity to evaluate our own
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values, and maybe we stick with them.
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Maybe we realize our values are still
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better. Or maybe there's something very
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nuanced about our values that we start to
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realize, oh, that different way of living
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this human life could actually be
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something I would consider, or it's
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something better. Or maybe we just listen
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and we think, you know what? That's a
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terrible way to live. But I understand it
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and I appreciate that person, and this
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helps me know who they are. Either way,
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listening to understand when it comes to
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the skill of suspending judgment is so
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hard. It's something I'm still working on,
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but I truly believe that when we do that,
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it makes us better people because we have
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deeper relationships in work and outside
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of work. So I'm working on it myself. It
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also means asking clarifying questions.
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Now, some of us were trained to do that
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growing up. Some of us weren't. Doesn't
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really matter. But when we don't
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understand what someone's saying, it's
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okay to ask a clarifying question. So we
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do understand. Some of us were trained to
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not interrupt other ones weren't, but to
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let the person finish. But it's still okay
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to ask a clarifying question to make sure
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we understand what they're saying. Because
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we're there to understand. We want to know
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what they're conveying to us, those facts,
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those feelings, those values. It means
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being like a mirror, mirroring back,
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reflecting back what we've heard them say.
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It means asking powerful questions to
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deepen the conversation. Questions that
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start with how or why, so we can know what
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it is they're talking about. Now, why is
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this so important? Why does listening to
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understand matter, especially in a world
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where it seems like everybody's just
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waiting for their turn to speak? Okay, I'm
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just going to share a little bit of a
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personal narrative with you, because
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growing up as an expat kid, I often found
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myself in situations where I didn't speak
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the language fluently in the homes of my
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friends. Because my international school
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had friends from all over the world and
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teachers from all over the world. But even
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when words failed me, I discovered that
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listening really transcends language
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barriers. So truly listening to the
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nuances of tone and body language and
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context, I was able to really connect with
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people on a deeper level than I ever
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thought possible as a child. And I've
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brought that into my expat experience in
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global leadership development and as I
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travel around the world and I'm exposed to
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different languages. But what I also
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learned is that Dr. Albert McRapian did
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this seminal study back in the 70s on
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communication, and he learned that only 7%
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of how we communicate is through words. A
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shocking 7%. That's very low. So if you're
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listening to this podcast in audio form
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and not watching the YouTube video, then
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you're missing out on the what is 55% of
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how we communicate, which is body
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language? Body language is more than half
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of how we communicate, but also there's
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about 33% that is that tone of voice and
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the inflections in our voice, which, if
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you're listening to this on audio
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podcasts, which most people are, then
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you're getting the inflection, the tone of
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voice. So, for example, if I said, I'm
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super sad today, the tone doesn't really
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match the words, does it? Or if I say, I'm
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so happy, the tone doesn't match. Right?
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So tone really matters. The inflection
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matters, but a whole 55% is body language.
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So, in person interactions really do give
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us a deeper communication on a certain
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level, or at least being able to watch
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something in a virtual call when someone
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speaks. But it just means we have to work
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a little bit harder when all we're getting
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are the words on a text or the words and
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the tone of an inflection on an audio
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call. But the in person just requires or
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allows us to have that deeper experience.
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And it's just we communicate in so many
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ways today. Listening to understand can
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involve asking clarifying questions. Even
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if there's a text, you could say, hey, is
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this what you meant? We can still use
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those skills. But as I've navigated the
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complexities of transitioning from my
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childhood growing up as an expat kid into
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my adulthood and life abroad, and now 20
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years experience of leading globally and
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different global teens of different
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backgrounds and cultures and languages,
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both professionally and personally, I've
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come to realize the power of listening
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really extends far, far beyond individual
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interactions. It's a cornerstone of
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effective leadership and diplomacy.
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Because of the work that I did with
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governments in Indonesia, with a nonprofit
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I was working with. With an NGO, I still
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was in my role interacting with different
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government leaders. And listening to
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understand was key there, especially in a
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different culture where body language was
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different. I worked under sharia law in a
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province in Ace and Sumatra where eye
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contact between men and women was very not
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expected and not even really safe for me
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on the street. And regular interactions in
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the marketplace, for example. And then in
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conversations with government leaders, it
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would be important to sort of nod or be
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aware of my body posture in terms of, was
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I taller than someone else? So kind know.
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The levels and all of that in Asia were
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very different in how we used our body
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language. Nodding or bowing is very
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prominent in east asian cultures. And so
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body language was really key. And learning
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the different nuances of that. Even when I
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worked as a liaison with the UN after the
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tsunami in Indonesia, because I was
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working with this grassroots indonesian
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nonprofit at the time, and was one of the
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only expats who'd been living in Ache
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province before the tsunami happened,
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because I was there working during the
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civil war period. And so when the UN came
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in to coordinate some of the relief
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efforts, I was a liaison with them to kind
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of help them understand some of the local
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perspective as sort of a bridge in between
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the cultures. But even in that, there's
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many cultures in the UN that are
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represented, all these different NGOs
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coming in with so many different styles of
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leadership. So paying attention to the
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body language, the tone, the inflection,
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all of that was very nuanced and a part of
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the communication of truly listening to
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understand. And so it's effective in our
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leadership and our diplomacy and in our
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social change that we're a part of here in
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this podcast community. When we listen to
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understand, we really create space for
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empathy, for collaboration, and for growth
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together. But let's be honest. Listening
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to understand isn't always easy. It
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requires patience. It requires humility, a
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willingness to set aside our own agenda in
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service of someone else's narrative, their
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story that we can hold and really dig into
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with them. It's a skill that requires
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constant practice and refinement. And I'll
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be the first to admit that I am still a
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work in progress. But imagine if our world
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leaders, our policymakers, and imagine our
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influencers embracing the superpower of
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listening to understand. Imagine if what's
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going on in the Middle east right now in
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Israel and Gaza, people were listening to
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understand. Imagine in the Ukraine Russia
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situation, if there was listening to
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understand. Imagine. Instead of shouting
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over each other, they took time to truly
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hear and acknowledge the perspectives, the
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values, the feelings, the facts of others.
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Imagine the transformative impact it could
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have on issues like global conflicts like
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social justice and climate change and so
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many other issues, toxic workplace
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environments, all of it. So I pose this
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question to you, dear listener. Around the
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world, wherever you are, do you agree? Do
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you believe that listening to understand
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is a superpower worth cultivating? Whether
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you're in Africa, listening whether you're
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in South Africa, Nigeria, whether you're
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in North Africa, whether you're in Europe,
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in Belgium listening whether you're in
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Southeast Asia, Indonesia, or in Taiwan,
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where I just recently got back from. Shout
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out to everybody in Taiwan. You were so
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hospitable to me. I had the greatest time.
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Wherever you're listening today, whether
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you're here in California, where I'm at,
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or somewhere all across our beautiful
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world, do you believe that listening to
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understand is a superpower that's worth
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cultivating? And if so, how can we do our
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part to harness that power to make the
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world a better place? Because, you know, I
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believe a diversity of brains around the
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table is how we're going to help solve the
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biggest problems of our world today by
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listening to each other's perspectives. It
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matters. These skills are hard, but I know
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that you're up for it because you are the
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kind of people listening to this podcast
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that want to make our world a better
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place. So I know you're up for this hard
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work, but you don't have to do it all at
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once. I hope you took away a call to
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action from something I said today that
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can add as your plus one. Write it down so
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you won't forget it. Tell someone else
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about it. Message me on social media, tell
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me what your call to action was from this
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podcast, and I would love to hear about
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it. Because when we write it down and we
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tell someone else, we're more likely to do
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it. And I just think you're worth
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investing in yourself as a leader, as an
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influencer, as somebody who's forging new
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paths, making our world a better place.
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When you invest in yourself and learning
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how to listen, to understand better,
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you're investing in so many others because
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your influence is so big. And even if it's
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with one person, it's huge. Because
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changing one person's life by listening to
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understand their story, empathizing with
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them, suspending judgment, asking
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clarifying questions, reflecting back what
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they said like a mirror, summarizing what
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they said, asking powerful questions in a
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way that really lets them explain the why
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and the how of what they're talking about.
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All of these parts of the superpower that
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you're learning to use are going to bring
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so much good change in the world. And we
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need people bringing good change. So thank
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you for being a part of it. That's all the
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time we have for today. Global listeners
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making a difference everywhere. Thank you
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00:16:57,326 --> 00:16:59,114
for joining me on this journey of
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exploration and discovery. And until next
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time, remember to listen with intention,
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empathy, and an open mind and open heart.
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Because in the end, it's our ability to
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truly listen, to understand one another
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that will make a difference in the world
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and make our world a better place. Keep
