Lori Adams-Brown on Peace at What Price? Examining the Dark Side of Keeping Quiet

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Welcome to the A World of Difference podcast. I'm Lori Adams Brown and this is a podcast for those who are different and want to make a difference. Does it feel like your whole world has just been turned upside down? Are you having trouble remembering to drink water or eat? Does it feel like you're walking in quicksand?

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I'm your host, Laurie Adams Brown and today we're talking about something that I know hits close to home for many of us, especially if you've been conditioned to stay small, stay quiet and prioritize others at the expense of yourself. Already some of you are saying, yes, this is me. You have been in spaces like I have that have either overtly or covertly or all of the above, told you to be small, to to sit down and be quiet, to leave the conversations to other individuals in the room, mainly not you. And some of this happens because maybe you're a woman, maybe you were being treated as if you're a little girl who doesn't know much, even though you have had over a decade or even two decades or more of a career with a lot of knowledge. Or maybe you have been in an environment where you're just different in some way from everyone else for a lot of different reasons.

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To today's episode is all about breaking free from self muting and self sacrifice and how when we finally free ourselves, we create space for others to step into their own freedom too. So this is something that is going to be a little tricky to unpack for some of us because There are certain cultures in the world, certain religious environments, and the Venn diagram of the two in which self sacrifice is. Is deified in a way, self muting is also almost worshiped so that you become so much a part of the collective that you lose who you are as a person. And it's tricky, isn't it? Because in the world that we live in and love so much, we have very different types of cultures everywhere.

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Some are more collectivist, some are more individualistic. As I was taught growing up in international school and among other third culture kids and expats, we often had a saying is, it's not wrong, it's just different. So there are advantages and disadvantages of certain ways of living. But at the end of the day, if it's a culture and it's been going this way for hundreds and thousands of years, then, you know, it's just. It works for them.

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But there are ways that as we're unpacking some of those cultural narratives, those stories we've been told, the ways we see ourselves moving in and around the world, the. The way our bodies show up in that particular culture or subculture or religious environment or all of the above, it takes some time to sort of unpack who we are in the midst of this collective. We're going to talk a little bit about that today at the risk of sounding too individualistic, which is not typically my M.O. here at a World of Difference, but I want to. Let me just ask you something.

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When was the last time you swallowed your words, your needs, the truth that you know to be true because you didn't want to rock the boat, you didn't want to stir the pot. Maybe you were told to not do those things. Maybe you were actually told to just be quiet, to sit down, to shut up or to stop talking about that thing, right? Or because you felt it was your job to hold everything together, right? Work at home and your relationships?

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And we know from the research, women in particular are being asked to bear the emotional burden. And at home a lot also, even in the workplace, this very unpaid, unpromotable aspect of work where women are helping each other walk through difficult situations of change management and a corporation or a new boss or high attrition or employee engagement being down, some of that emotional role is carried, often not exclusively, but often by women. And even in our relationships, the way that women are often socialized to check in on each other, how are you doing? And support each other. This is so beautiful.

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But at the same time, it can feel really heavy when all of this unpaid labor of emotional labor is falling on women. And it can, it can be overwhelming to just do all the things and hold it all together. And that may be part of the reason that you're self muting or sacrificing so much of yourself for other people. If that resonates well, I want you to know that you're not alone. Because here's the truth.

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Self muting doesn't just silence your voice, it also silences your impact. And I think it's time to break free. So let's get into it.

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Self muting often starts very young. If you grew up in a culture or a family or community or religious environment where compliance was praised, where peace was prioritized over honesty, or where you were subtly, or maybe not so subtly, taught that your worth came from how well you met others needs, then you know what I mean? I get it. I lived it. And as somebody who grew up across many cultures and spaces where I was often navigating different languages, customs, expectations, I learned early how to adapt like a lot of third culture kids do.

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Adapting across cultures, I really, I became fluent in a lot of ways and making sure others were comfortable. But somewhere along the way, I started to lose the fluency in my own voice in certain aspects. And this is something I've recently begun to unpack a lot more. Some people may be surprised to hear that because I'm a podcast host. So how could you possibly be self muting?

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And I've always been. I would say one of my strengths is communication in multiple languages. However, I think I, along with most of us out there, don't want to be misunderstood. And yet sometimes who I have been perceived to be as a person, I have self muted and even clearing that up about myself so as to not rock the boat or not stir the pot or not deal with that particular conflict or how it would make me be perceived. So I mean, all growing up, I didn't really face this probably until I came to the US for college and entered into a culture that was very different from my own.

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It was in the southern part of the United States. And this culture has very different norms and expectations around women, how women are supposed to be and perceived in this society. Some of you may be familiar with this particular culture in the US or not, but it was really not until I came to college that I began to see the way women are expected to be and live and move and speak in the world is very different from the international school experience I had growing up and from how Venezuelans or even Costa Ricans were that I had lived among growing up. And so it was certainly a culture shock for me to be seen this way. But I began to realize that part of the way I communicated was much more direct and straightforward, which is how Venezuelans tend to communicate.

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And yet there was a lot more of an indirect nature of how women in particular were expected to communicate in that southern part of the US during that time. And so I, you know, sort of began to falsely see myself as maybe I'm just a rude person, but in fact it really was just this sort of cultural difference and expectations and norms, right? And so these are something that I ended up learning about in sociology. Learning about social norms is really key. If you've not studied that much.

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It's very insightful of how we expect different people to live and move and work in the world and different cultures. But all that to say is sometimes by interacting with different cultures that are different from your own, you might have begun to be perceived as being a certain way, when in fact that's not who you are. So I think sometimes in that culture, I was perceived as a person who just didn't really care what other people think. But that's actually not true. I think all of us to a certain degree care what people think, don't we?

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Because it forms how we make some of our decisions. We don't want to be perceived or misunderstood in a way that's not authentically who we are, especially for those of us who do care about authentically showing up in the world. And so I think sometimes those narratives can cause us to self mute because we start to say, if I say this in that way, it's going to come across wrong. Maybe as a woman, you've been tone policed a lot during your life. Well, whereas what you were saying got ignored because they say, well, you didn't say it in the right way, or it's the way you brought it up.

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And honestly, those toxic environments that some of us have been in, whether it's in work or in communities, have communicated those things to us. But here's what I've realized. When we mute ourselves, we don't just protect ourselves, we don't just protect others, sorry, from discomfort. We actually protect ourselves from the discomfort of being fully seen. It's actually really uncomfortable sometimes to be fully seen.

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Being vulnerable is incredibly scary because being seen means being vulnerable. And being vulnerable means risking rejection or in some cases, risk being preyed upon by a master manipulator who, when they find your vulnerability or your weakness or maybe some type of relational injury you've had in the past, they can really use that against you. So it can be quite dangerous to be seen and be vulnerable. But here's the thing. You are not here to be a perfectly curated, agreeable version of yourself.

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You're here to be fully you, fully yourself. And when you do that, you give others the permission to do the same. So let me ask you, what is some knowledge or truth about yourself that you are swallowing right now that the world needs to hear? Why don't you think about that for a second? Is there something you've observed in your environment, in your workplace, in the world we all live in and love, that you have chosen not to share for whatever reason, but the world really could benefit from hearing that.

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It really could make a difference if you stop swallowing that and actually shared it. Let's talk about self sacrifice for a minute. Especially for those of us raised in communities where sacrifice was framed as noble. I'm talking to all you do gooders out there, all you difference makers, because I think this is core in our community. It's something that is only recently begun to be on my own personal radar of something I need to unpack because I have swam in that ocean for the majority of my life.

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I grew up in a family of difference makers, of do gooders who my parents moved me and my older brother across the world to do good. And it was amazing and it's so great. And yet somehow in that culture, in that environment of being raised among people who were also doing the same thing, and then also going to into studying sociology myself, studying getting a master's in a similar field and being in the social sciences where we want to do good in the world, and then working as an expat for several years in Asia doing disaster relief. And you know, you're trying to have boundaries in these situations and you always say, well, I'm better than the other person with my boundaries because that person's just completely working nonstop and burnt out. But you're actually not really fully in this healthy place where you can sort of stand up for yourself in a way that says I have human limits and there's only so much I can do and really being okay with not being perceived as somebody who's self sacrificing all the time when it's seen as so noble to absolutely give everything about yourself, whether it's because you were told, well, Jesus gave his own life in his body in this very shameful way and just gave it all up for us, he seemed to just constantly be walking around to all these cities doing good.

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He didn't even have a home. He was never, you know, a person who had built wealth for his family. He did take breaks here and there, but even you see some of the breaks he's taking after his cousin John the Baptist was beheaded. And he's in this boat trying to get away to have some time to just grieve and be alone. And then there's a whole crowd and you know, it says in the scriptures he had compassion on them and started healing people and start doing these miracles again.

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And so if that's been the standard for you is that you'd be literally like Jesus Christ giving up everything about your life, then it's seen as so noble to self sacrifice. And this can be very hard to unpack for those of us who still have a faith in this particular religion, but, you know, various versions of that and are in other religions or in other lines of work. Disaster relief was huge with this to self sacrifice in that whole community, and yet there's so much good in it. So don't hear me say there's not good in this, but when it goes too far and it causes you to be the kind of person that really either burns out or struggles to have boundaries and care for yourself or practice any version of self care without feeling ashamed or being afraid you're going to be shunned from that community or how dare you put your own needs above anyone else's. If you were one of those kids in maybe your Sunday school or vacation Bible school class where they told you that joy meant Jesus first, others second, and yourself last.

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That's not a helpful. That's not a helpful concept because especially for women and moms, a lot of us are putting ourselves last because society really expects us to bear this burden and all the pain of childbirth and recovery from that, which is not at all just baby powder and stuffed animals. It's a lot of grit and pain and animalistic instincts. And you need a full, long maternity leave. Not the six weeks week stuff that we often see in the United States, but, you know, months of maternity leave.

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And in some countries they're doing, you know, year or more because it's just, it's a lot to recover from. And yet we just expect women to sort of bounce back with their cute babies, you know, right after giving birth, and then just pop back into the workplace and deal with all of that. And so if you have been given these narratives that, you know, suck it up, buttercup just self sacrifice that has really done a number on a lot of us difference makers, me included. Something I'm really unpacking. So and listen, here's the beauty and generosity in showing up for people you love.

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There is really this thin line between giving from a place of love and giving from a place of fear. Fear of disappointing someone, fear of being seen as selfish, fear of conflict, fear of being shunned from your community because you dared to say, you know, living paycheck to paycheck is a little hard for my family. We want to do something that builds a little more wealth and gives us more cushions so we can even be generous in other ways. To fear of being seen as somebody who dares to take time just to go away for 24 hours by yourself, to have alone time as an introvert. Any of these things could get you in certain difference makers type communities where there's a lot of do gooders sacrificing all the time for the good of the world in these very grandiose ways.

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Sometimes that taking time to care for yourself, to care for your needs, to think and process and reflect to sometimes, even when you're a young mom, even just take a shower. Sometimes the fear that you're going to look selfish, you're going to look like some kind of diva out there, just, you know, caring for your own basic needs as a human with limits can cause people to see you differently. And that's where for me personally, I kind of got up in my own head for a long time of saying a lot of people would say I was the kind of person that just didn't give, you know, rats behind about what people think. But it's not true. I actually do have, I do care what people think and I don't want to be seen as, in a misunderstood way, as somebody who's always putting her knees before everyone else in case that's ever a narrative anybody has ever had.

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Because I have kind of had this identity of a person who self sacrifices and at times it's gone too far where I've put others way above myself in very unhealthy ways out of fear. And so that's what we're here to talk about a little bit today. And here's the truth. Self sacrifice as a default mode, it doesn't just drain you, it robs you of the opportunity to grow. When we constantly swoop in and fix and accommodate and bend ourselves into all kinds of crazy shapes we were never meant to hold, we create a version of a dependency and we Even stunt others growth in our own.

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So think about it. If you have kids, for example, do you want them to grow up thinking that love means disappearing? I don't. I want my kids to be as them as they can. I want to help them find their natural bent, that thing they love, the thing that makes their hearts sing.

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Seeing the thing that they just want to get out of bed in the morning and do all day. I want them to find that thing and just to be unabashedly loud and visible in who they are. Because that kind of difference is so impactful in the world. We need more people being authentically themselves and bringing their special thing, their superpower out there. Not in a way that they hide it under a covering of sorts or the little song of this little light of mine, of hide it under a bush.

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Oh, we want to let it shine. And I want my kids to let that shine in themselves. One's a young adult now in college, and my other two twins are in high school. And they're starting to kind of begin to figure that out. And it's so exciting.

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I do not want them to disappear because I love them. Do you want your colleagues or employees to think that leadership means burnout? Of course we don't. So we have to model something different. When we say no to an abundance, a toxic level of self sacrifice, we actually say yes to authenticity.

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And when we say yes to authenticity, we make space for others to show up that way too. So what happens when we stop muting ourselves? When we stop performing pleasing and sacrificing who we are, who we were created to be with our God given gifts and our superpowers. When we stop performing pleasing and sacrificing who we are for the comfort of others, we actually disrupt the status quo. And let me tell you, the status quo loves a muted voice.

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The status quo thrives on compliant employees, agreeable partners, and communities that confuse peace with silence. We're seeing this happen geopolitically in a lot of places in the world right now, including the country where I currently live, out of fear. Fear that you'll be seen as part of the wrong party. Fear that you'll be on the wrong side of the movement that's happening. Fear that there's some information out there that you may not have had time to research or know and so you just don't say anything.

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But when we reclaim our voice, when we honor our needs and name our truths, we actually break cycles, really dysfunctional, damaging cycles that really hurt a lot of us. We actually start to show our kids, our friends, our colleagues, and our whole community that you can be kind without being compliant. Right? Kind and nice are not the same thing. Kind and compliant are not the same thing.

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And you can be generous, very generous, without erasing yourself. You can love others while still honoring yourself, your human limits, who you are, and that your perspective really matters. And that's the kind of freedom that really. It ripples outward, doesn't it? Now, I know all of this.

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It sounds, you know, empowering, but you might be wondering, okay, Lori, but how am I ever gonna do this with all that I'm facing in my community? I don't want to be shunned. I don't want to be seen as a troublemaker. I don't want to be seen as a disruptor, a difficult person, because I'm sharing my perspective. Well, let me give you these three steps for your consideration.

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Number one, pause before you please. Next time somebody asks something of you, whether it's, you know, an extra project at work, a favor from a friend, or even just a decision about where to eat, I want you to pause and ask yourself, am I saying yes to be liked or because I genuinely want to say yes out of a whole heart? If it's the former, I want you to practice saying no. No explanation needed, just no. The second one is speak one unmuted truth per day.

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And it doesn't have to be something revolutionary. It could be as simple as actually saying, you know, actually, I'd prefer to eat Mexican tonight, or I am feeling like eating Thai food, or I disagree with that perspective. That's it. Your voice needs practice to get strong. If you're not used to disagreeing, pushing back, giving your own voice and holding the value with that in a conversation, especially in certain spaces, you might need a little practice.

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So just get used to it daily, by every day speaking one unmuted truth. The third thing I want you to try is for your consideration, of course, is to get comfortable with discomfort. And here's the kicker. Speaking what you know to be true in your own body and your own mind is going to feel uncomfortable at first, especially in certain spaces. It might even feel wrong if you've been conditioned to mute yourself.

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But discomfort is not danger, actually, it's growth. When you feel frustration and discomfort, you're learning. And that's part of having this growth mindset of always expLoring and finding out what you don't know. We don't know what we don't know, right? And can be uncomfortable sometimes to not know your body and brain Might perceive that as dangerous, but it's not actually dangerous.

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You're growing. So I want you to learn to just to sit with it, breathe through it. Find some good breathing exercises out there, whether it's box breathing or these different kinds where you can count down. There's a ton we use in my family and have for years, so just Google that. Breathing exercises.

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Learn to sit with it, breathe through it, and then just let it pass. On the other side of that is your freedom. And isn't that worth sitting in discomfort a little bit for? Here's the most beautiful part though, I want to share with you. When you step into this freedom, you don't just liberate yourself, you actually liberate others too.

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It's sort of a buy one, get one free. You do this work and there's a bonus gift with purchase that comes along with it. You liberate yourself and you liberate others. Because. Because that example of when your friend sees you declining an obligation without guilt, they might find the courage to do the same.

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It's powerful. When you've seen a woman say no to an extra project at work, or a man say, you know, I gotta take some time with my kids right now. They're going through something hard and I'm not gonna take that extra project. Or when you say, I would love to be there at that particular event with all these women gathered from around the world that are doing these amazing things in this one place. But, you know, I'm just feeling really maxed out right now and I kind of need to get some time alone.

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As an introvert, if that's kind of how you live and operate in the world, when you see somebody declining an obligation and they don't show any guilt about it, that really might give you the courage to do the same. And it's happened for me. We all support each other by setting this example of being authentic, unmuting ourselves, and not just self sacrificing everything about ourselves for others all the time, all, all throughout the year. When your daughter watches you advocate for yourself, she also learns, guess what, that her voice matters too. And when your team sees you setting boundaries and still thriving, they realize that burnout isn't a badge of honor, it's a warning sign.

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And that actually to be more productive at work, those who set boundaries, statistically who are working less than 40 hours a week but not more than 50, are the ones that we're seeing in the research out of Stanford, be more productive. So setting these boundaries is going to help you in your job. And it's going to help others on your team know that they can achieve that too. And honestly, freedom is really contagious. Have you ever been around somebody who just seemed totally, unabashedly free?

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It's refreshing. In this world, in a world that really benefits from our silence, using your voice is an act of resistance and an act of hope. So today, I want to leave you with one question. What would your life look like if you stopped muting yourself? What relationships might shift?

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What opportunities might emerge? What version of yourself might you finally get to meet your 40s, your 50s, your 60s? You know, even when you're an octogenarian, because when you feel free and when you free yourself from self muting and self sacrifice, you're not just setting yourself free. You're helping create a world where everyone can show up as their authentic selves. And that, that is the kind of world we all deserve.

00:26:50
Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being a part of this movement toward freedom, authenticity, and difference making. And until next time, keep making a difference by showing up exactly as who you are. If this conversation reminded you of a friend, there's some research out there that shows that just sending a little bit of connection, like a text that comes out of the blue from somebody you haven't heard from in a while, or just a little message that says, I hope you're having a good day, I was thinking of you.

00:27:25
Or even something like sharing this podcast episode can really uplift lift people's spirits. You don't know what people are walking through right now. You don't know who of your friends is struggling with self muting and they have something the world really could benefit from hearing, or that they're sacrificing so much of themselves that they're losing who they are. Maybe they're losing parts of their personality or they're losing their energy to offer the world something that really we all need. And sometimes just something as simple as sharing a podcast episode like this to let them know that you want to invite them to be more of who they are and that you're trying to work on that too, and you would support each other in doing that.

00:28:06
However that looks. If this, if this podcast episode has reminded you of some friend around the world, please send it to them today. And I really hope you would consider having a conversation together if that opportunity arises. And also if this has meant something to you, this podcast episode, or this whole entire podcast of a world of difference and over 200 episodes that we have out there in the world. I would love it if you would leave us a review.

00:28:29
It really does make a difference in helping more people come into this space so they can also learn to not self mute and not sacrifice everything about themselves for the doing good in the world, but that they could become people who flourish and continue to use their voice and show up more authentically with more energy to give to the great work that they're doing. It's so amazing out there in the world every single day and would love for you to rate this podcast and review it so more people can find us. It really does make world of difference and I am so grateful for each of you difference makers. You really are crushing it out there every day. Please consider the things we've spoken about today to show it more authentically as who you are wherever you are to practice those three steps that I mentioned and I would love to hear how this is going for you.

00:29:15
If you want to reach out on socials to me, I'm on Bluesky, I'm on LinkedIn. Those are the places I hang out with a lot of you. A lot. And then also on Substack for some of you who are there and interact with the newsletters. I have a newsletter on LinkedIn called the Global Edge if you want to subscribe to that where it's more businessy and then on Substack as well.

00:29:34
I have a World of Difference newsletter on there where I discuss all kinds of different topics as I also am leaning more into not self muting and not so overly self sacrificing that I don't get to show up authentically for each of you and inspire you to do the same. So wherever you are, keep showing up as who you are. You are loved. You matter and making a difference matters too. But also take time to just care for yourself because you deserve that.

00:30:00
You deserve to heal if you've gone through some difficult things in your past or currently are, and you deserve to know that the world is a better place when you show up as authentically yourself. Keep making a difference exactly as who you are. Before we go, I just want to take a moment to thank you. Yes you. The fact that you're here, tuning in, leaning into these conversations and doing the hard and beautiful work of making a difference in this world.

00:30:26
It means everything to me in this episode. If it spoke to you, if it brought you healing, hope or even just a new perspective, I'd love for you to help us spread the word. Subscribe to the podcast, leave us a review and share this episode with someone you think might need to hear it. Your support helps this community grow and also helps us to keep having these important conversations. You are such a vital part of this journey.

00:30:53
And every time you listen, every time you share, you remind me of why we do this. Because you are out there making a difference in your own beautiful, messy, and imperfect way. And that. That matters more than you know. So thank you for being here, thank you for showing up, and thank you for making the world a little brighter, a little kinder, and.

00:31:15
And a little more whole. Until next time, take care of yourself and keep making a difference. You are loved.